Bullets for my gun

If I can figure out how to load bullets in a gun the plan could work. The problem is, there are so many boxes of bullets and I do not know what goes to what gun. Timing is going to be a problem with my husband always up my ass these days. My PTSD has been so bad over the past couple of months,  he has been concerned about me offing myself.  How do you get someone to accept that you have forever changed. There is know return to normal people, the brain doesn’t work like that.  There is the person I was born to be and she died at 8 years old and the shell of my body has been surviving since then.  And it worked just fine for almost my entire life…

There are no memories of comfort from my childhood to lean on when those childhood monsters take over my head.  And after 7 years of silence, I found the strength to obtain a copy of the investigative report of how these monsters tortured, raped, threatened, intimidated, hunted and, chased me.  I read witness statements collaborating and validating how these monsters preyed on me and other children.  They took an 8-year-old girl for 3 years and tortured her, hunted her and,  at times like an animal, stalked her like wild prey.  The 8-year-old was me… The end result of the investigation was the prosecuting attorney DENYING the charges.  Statute of limitations is allowing monsters to walk the earth and prey on other children.  A victim of a failed system,  a culture created to turn a blind eye to sexual assault and when a victim does come forward, the laws protect the accused.

They stole my childhood, I don’t remember anything about being a fucking kid. I wanted to drive my truck off a bridge but, I am afraid of water! Hanging, no rope,  pills is the only option….Then I thought, I have both of these men’s address now, it is on the police report,  I can sodomize them with a shotgun and pull the trigger but, no can’t do no prison. IDK…Just brainstorming ideas.  Fill free to share yours, open to suggestions.  I have literally played the whole tape out in my head,  I can take justice into my own hands by being the executioner.  Have you ever been in a space where you feel like the roof has caved in?  The whole world has collapsed on your head, except it’s more like a tornado because it is spinning at the same time.  And every time I move some debris from my line of sight I still can’t see straight, everything in front of me is fuzzy distorted by the smog of the memories flooding my head.  There is no turning the light off, or letting it go, only the ones who can see straight believe such nonsense.

The brain is an evil tricky bitch! You think you have your mind under control, all your emotions in check.  Shit you can go through some pretty devastating stuff, bounce back and then move on with your life.  But the bitch brain she will never forget that moment back 10 or 20 years ago.  The evil brain bitch is doing push ups waiting for you to flash back and, it might be a smell in the air one morning on the way to work, or the way your husband touches you one night in bed.  And once the flashback starts it never stops, it has already went back once, the flashbacks are going forward into your life destroying everything and everyone in their path.

 

 

 

5 thoughts on “Bullets for my gun

Add yours

      1. I go to therapy once a week but, I feel like she is worthless. I talk to my husband who is doing everything he can. His friend is an Attorney so I am meeting with him tomorrow, he is looking at the case to see what other options we have. I have lost 30 pounds from stress over this. I want to run again, I use to run marathons but had my cervical spine collapse in an accident 3 years ago so am disabled. This is my BIGGEST problem!!!! Running has always released my anger. I have to say writing now and this blog is helping. I need a new therapist, for sure. Like ASAP. I might even need help sooner. IDK, I tried to go to a PTSD place a few months ago in arizona was approved have money, husband talked me out of it…

        Like

      2. I can see where part of the problem lies. In essence your anger release is no longer available and your support network isn’t able to make up for it.
        I cannot possibly understand the kind of things you’re going through. Maybe the PTSD would help you?

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Nervous breakdown

A series of unfortunate events…

PTSD Beautiful Trauma

An expulsive cataclysm of the soul

Julie M Palmer

Part blog, part lifestyle site, all relatable.

The Road Less Traumatized

Healing from trauma, one day at a time

Wonder Woman on Wheels

Hopelessly Inappropriate

Naomi Thomas

Journalist

Adorable Spite #NotMyPresident #NotMyGods #ImpeachGodTrumpPenceBarrPompeo

Sgt USAF DAV who Said... NO!!! They took it for a yes... Christians taking away women's rights... Dictatorship over Democracy... The Witch Hunt, Silencing Atheist..... Twitter censorship @adorablespite

The Distressed Blue Line

Hope and inspiration for First Responders and Military dealing with addictions

Susan Sleggs

Flash Fiction and personal thoughts

reviving emily

taking back my life

Ask The Council

What will you ask Spirit?

My blended lifestyle

God, family, and love=the perfect blend!

NCaseUDidntKnow

The Backstories Of Celebrity News Past and Present Because Sugar Never Expires

Her Patchwork Heart

A BLOG ABOUT BEING PAINFULLY HUMAN

Life In Detox

Recovery Blogger. Sober AF. Photographer. Storyteller. Writer.

A Creative PTSD Gal

A place where I can be creative and understand me.

Mistakes & Adventures

What I've always wanted

Mental Health @ Home

Building mental wellness on a foundation of strength

UndeniablySara

Survive Narcissistic Abuse, fight Chronic Illness, and begin to Heal.

800 Recovery Hub Blog

Written by people in recovery for people in recovery

My Life...in the Moment

Owning my life with mental illness

Destination Humanity

Chasing big dreams one photo at a time

This Beautiful Life

Find yourself, and be just that

. . .

love each other like you are the lyric and they are the music

crystaldiamante

Musings of a feminist groupie navigating Chicago's rock scene

Reclaiming Strength;

Mental health warrior;

Healthbeat

From the healthcare experts at Crozer-Keystone Health System

Bentham Open

Opening Access to Science

Gone Crazy, Back Soon

Organization of the chaos in my head

Psych Circus

Enjoy, Learn, and Erase Stigma!

Health as a Human Right

Discussing a Broad Range of Health Topics

AndrewEllisCounselling

Changing Perspectives on Mental Health

Imperfectly Perfect

Unconditional Love

An anonymous escape from life

They may see, they might know, but they'll never understand

Ophelia's

Speaking Out on the Unspeakable

The Things That Have Brought Me Here

happiness, depression, and a thing or two in-between

can.did.done

A blog to inspire

Gasoline Gypsy

the biker librarian

Jake Steinbrecher's Clonidine Overdose, and Wrongful Death.

Clonidine Overdose, Good Day Pharmacy, Vicki Einhellig, Poudre Valley Hospital, Children's Hospital Colorado, Amy Clevenger, Courtney Lawson, Nicole Peterson

Fragments of my Psyche

pain, hope, love, lust, anxious rambling and all the things in between, eventually becoming my art

%d bloggers like this: