Bullets for my gun

If I can figure out how to load bullets in a gun the plan could work. The problem is, there are so many boxes of bullets and I do not know what goes to what gun. Timing is going to be a problem with my husband always up my ass these days. My PTSD has been so bad over the past couple of months,  he has been concerned about me offing myself.  How do you get someone to accept that you have forever changed. There is know return to normal people, the brain doesn’t work like that.  There is the person I was born to be and she died at 8 years old and the shell of my body has been surviving since then.  And it worked just fine for almost my entire life…

There are no memories of comfort from my childhood to lean on when those childhood monsters take over my head.  And after 7 years of silence, I found the strength to obtain a copy of the investigative report of how these monsters tortured, raped, threatened, intimidated, hunted and, chased me.  I read witness statements collaborating and validating how these monsters preyed on me and other children.  They took an 8-year-old girl for 3 years and tortured her, hunted her and,  at times like an animal, stalked her like wild prey.  The 8-year-old was me… The end result of the investigation was the prosecuting attorney DENYING the charges.  Statute of limitations is allowing monsters to walk the earth and prey on other children.  A victim of a failed system,  a culture created to turn a blind eye to sexual assault and when a victim does come forward, the laws protect the accused.

They stole my childhood, I don’t remember anything about being a fucking kid. I wanted to drive my truck off a bridge but, I am afraid of water! Hanging, no rope,  pills is the only option….Then I thought, I have both of these men’s address now, it is on the police report,  I can sodomize them with a shotgun and pull the trigger but, no can’t do no prison. IDK…Just brainstorming ideas.  Fill free to share yours, open to suggestions.  I have literally played the whole tape out in my head,  I can take justice into my own hands by being the executioner.  Have you ever been in a space where you feel like the roof has caved in?  The whole world has collapsed on your head, except it’s more like a tornado because it is spinning at the same time.  And every time I move some debris from my line of sight I still can’t see straight, everything in front of me is fuzzy distorted by the smog of the memories flooding my head.  There is no turning the light off, or letting it go, only the ones who can see straight believe such nonsense.

The brain is an evil tricky bitch! You think you have your mind under control, all your emotions in check.  Shit you can go through some pretty devastating stuff, bounce back and then move on with your life.  But the bitch brain she will never forget that moment back 10 or 20 years ago.  The evil brain bitch is doing push ups waiting for you to flash back and, it might be a smell in the air one morning on the way to work, or the way your husband touches you one night in bed.  And once the flashback starts it never stops, it has already went back once, the flashbacks are going forward into your life destroying everything and everyone in their path.




5 thoughts on “Bullets for my gun

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      1. I go to therapy once a week but, I feel like she is worthless. I talk to my husband who is doing everything he can. His friend is an Attorney so I am meeting with him tomorrow, he is looking at the case to see what other options we have. I have lost 30 pounds from stress over this. I want to run again, I use to run marathons but had my cervical spine collapse in an accident 3 years ago so am disabled. This is my BIGGEST problem!!!! Running has always released my anger. I have to say writing now and this blog is helping. I need a new therapist, for sure. Like ASAP. I might even need help sooner. IDK, I tried to go to a PTSD place a few months ago in arizona was approved have money, husband talked me out of it…


      2. I can see where part of the problem lies. In essence your anger release is no longer available and your support network isn’t able to make up for it.
        I cannot possibly understand the kind of things you’re going through. Maybe the PTSD would help you?

        Liked by 1 person

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