Who’s to say good or bad…

Who’s to say good or bad… The story goes like this, a man had a horse run away from his farm, friends said to him, “wow you are falling on bad times”, the man replied, “who’s to say good or bad”.  The next day the man’s son found the horse and while riding back to the farm, fell off the horse and broke his foot.  The man’s friends said, “wow you are falling on bad times”, the man replied, “who’s to say good or bad”.   The next day the army came to the door to draft the son for war but,  disqualified him because his foot was broke. Moral of the story, who’s to say good or bad…

Between everything happens for a reason, karma, Gods plan, self-care, avoiding co-dependency, not enabling, yet being empathetic, showing compassion, not being a doormat, avoiding triggers and anything else I missed, it is overwhelming to do the right thing on a daily basis.  If you can’t relate to the statement above then you are most likely normal and should stop reading this post.  If you can relate please continue…

All I know is I read articles on relationships, mental illness, co-dependency, and communication and I feel more fucked up.  Then I attempt to practice my newfound information from said articles with my peeps and they fail miserably.   Apparently, when you stop being an enabler people get real pissed! Also, when you stop being a doormat and co-depended, not surprised.

Where I fail,  knowing when a situation is enabling and when it is not enabling.  For example,  my husbands fathers passed away 5 years ago yesterday, he is not good with dates, I remembered the date and told him yesterday morning.  Last night his mother called him, I heard him on the phone say, “no I don’t know what day it is, I am not good with dates, I have to go” and he hung up.  It was so mean and cold.  I was instantly pissed!  How can you be so mean to your mother? She is 84 years old and her husband of 50 years passed. OMG. WTF. He said, “it doesn’t affect me and, if you are so worried about her call her yourself” so I did. When she answered the phone I said, “I am so sorry, my husband does know what day it is we talked about it this morning” and my husband instantly came unglued. After I got off the phone he said, now she is going to know I lied to her.  I said I don’t care you are mean. Was I wrong… He thinks so still. Who’s to say good or bad…

The majority of yesterday was spent driving my adult children around in a snow storm again.  My husband said I am enabling them and maybe so but, their cars broke down, they need to get to work, to the store, to appointments… I am their only support system and although it can get exhausting by the end of the day, I think it is more of a blessing to me than a burden.  Yes you heard me right, a blessing not a burden.  There was a time in my life where I did not have the emotional capacity to be present for anybody.  I was completely numb, a self-centered person too career driven to help anybody but myself.  Then my health deteriorated and I had a nervous breakdown.  I cry almost everyday on my way home alone in my truck.  Tears run down my face for all those years I lost with those kids,  wasted chasing a career… Who’s to say good or bad…

In closing, I am worried I am becoming a completely different person than my husband married.  My husband has been by my side through my nervous breakdown he has always shown up in a crisis, he is that man!  I just need to see his heart and I don’t know how to get there… who’s to say good or bad…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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