Still one of those people who feels emotional anxiety, physical exhaustion, and a general sense of being overwhelmed after a vulnerable interaction. Particularly, when said interaction was in an unfamiliar environment, with a loved one whom I have hurt.
I am a fucking mess tonight! I can’t sleep my head is going 100 miles an hour and I hope I am not bipolar… seriously worried. I just came out of this depression.
Met my son at his outpatient family therapy today for a safety plan meeting. It was a very emotional therapy appointment. I heard some things from him he needed to say to me, it was hard to hear because I have hurt him. He has a right to be angry with me! I was totally ok with it. I do not know if it was because I am so broken that I just sat there and said yea, I am a piece of shit and I fucked up! Or I have finally just grown up and accepted responsibility for my screwups. I love him so much.
My son was born my daughter so I have to watch my pronouns and I worry I am going to fuck up every time I open my mouth. I don’t want to hurt my son! I don’t want to fuck this up!
When I left I was fine but, now I can’t sleep because my head is racing thinking about everything. I feel crappy like I have a fever but, I am not sick. I haven’t been eating so think maybe it is catching up to me and can’t do much about it while on topamax and naltrexone.