RANT

Still one of those people who feels emotional anxiety, physical exhaustion, and a general sense of being overwhelmed after a vulnerable interaction.  Particularly, when said interaction was in an unfamiliar environment,  with a loved one whom I have hurt.

I am a fucking mess tonight!  I can’t sleep my head is going 100 miles an hour and I hope I am not bipolar… seriously worried. I just came out of this depression.

Met my son at his outpatient family therapy today for a safety plan meeting.  It was a very emotional therapy appointment.  I heard some things from him he needed to say to me, it was hard to hear because I have hurt him. He has a right to be angry with me!  I was totally ok with it. I do not know if it was because I am so broken that I just sat there and said yea, I am a piece of shit and I fucked up! Or I have finally just grown up and accepted responsibility for my screwups.   I love him so much.

My son was born my daughter so I have to watch my pronouns and I worry I am going to fuck up every time I open my mouth.  I don’t want to hurt my son! I don’t want to fuck this up!

When I left I was fine but, now I can’t sleep because my head is racing thinking about everything.  I feel crappy like I have a fever but, I am not sick.  I haven’t been eating so think maybe it is catching up to me and can’t do much about it while on topamax and naltrexone.

 

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2 thoughts on “RANT

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  1. I have a step-son who was quite a rebel especially when he was a teen and young adult. We did not get along at all, hell he tried to stab me on one occasion and on another hoped to cause me to have a heart attack. Anyway, a few years ago we cleared the air and he came out as gay. We now have a great father/son relationship but I do watch what I say around him so I don’t mess up the newly found wonderful relationship we have. Good luck……Life is a balancing act……..

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