There is no shame and/or guilt compared to a parent who fucked up with their children.  I could write a book on the numerous failures of raising my children.  It is only until you mess up your own children do you forgive your parents, and the cycle continues.  Believe me, your children will blame you too.  However, I am talking about my shame, my guilt as a parent today.

An old country song back in the 1980’s called “Run away Joe” was about a girl who fell for the bad boy, he robbed a store and ran away… I think. Idk. Anyhow, my first husband was my run away Joe, except it was a pharmacy he robbed, and I was left with a baby girl to raise.

Then there was my second husband, the father to my other children.  We were the perfect couple, both a mess emotionally and he also came from a very dysfunctional family.  We fought on a daily basis,  and to add to the stress, I was stuck at home with the children all day while he worked.  At some point he quit coming home from work,  he would stay at the bar and/or end up at a crack house.  I began taking opiates and slowing sinking down into depression. Eventually, I got the strength to pull myself out of the situation.  All hell broke loose. Which I have blogged about…

So now that I have set the stage.  My eldest daughter went to her first therapy appointment since she was a little girl last weekend.  I drove her to the appointment for moral support, and she struggles to leave her house as it is.  I was so damn proud of her, and frankly wanted to kiss the ground when she walked into the place…

When I was driving her home she talked about her step father, the one above, the one who died of an overdose a year ago. She told me he use to tell her she was ugly, stupid and no one would ever love her.  Fucking heartbreaking!  I let this man into her  life! I want to piss on his grave but, I feel like if I would not have been popping pills I may have seen some shit.

As a parent we are responsible for these little humans and the decisions we make have lasting consequences.  I cry all the time when I think about all those fucked up decisions I have made in my life but, I also made some really good decisions too, I got out!

One thought on “Shame

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  1. Aww feel yah ❤ We all screw up! I'm still paying for stuff I messed up with my girls but am proud. like you, when they make huge steps forward quicker than I ever did! Me and my mama have had beef our entire lives too and only in the last 5 years have we started resolving any of it. And poor mama, she sits there and cries and says she's sorry and wishes she could've done better … but I get it now lol … None of us gets it right. We do what can with what we know at the time I reckon ❤

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