Shame

There is no shame and/or guilt compared to a parent who fucked up with their children.  I could write a book on the numerous failures of raising my children.  It is only until you mess up your own children do you forgive your parents, and the cycle continues.  Believe me, your children will blame you too.  However, I am talking about my shame, my guilt as a parent today.

An old country song back in the 1980’s called “Run away Joe” was about a girl who fell for the bad boy, he robbed a store and ran away… I think. Idk. Anyhow, my first husband was my run away Joe, except it was a pharmacy he robbed, and I was left with a baby girl to raise.

Then there was my second husband, the father to my other children.  We were the perfect couple, both a mess emotionally and he also came from a very dysfunctional family.  We fought on a daily basis,  and to add to the stress, I was stuck at home with the children all day while he worked.  At some point he quit coming home from work,  he would stay at the bar and/or end up at a crack house.  I began taking opiates and slowing sinking down into depression. Eventually, I got the strength to pull myself out of the situation.  All hell broke loose. Which I have blogged about…

So now that I have set the stage.  My eldest daughter went to her first therapy appointment since she was a little girl last weekend.  I drove her to the appointment for moral support, and she struggles to leave her house as it is.  I was so damn proud of her, and frankly wanted to kiss the ground when she walked into the place…

When I was driving her home she talked about her step father, the one above, the one who died of an overdose a year ago. She told me he use to tell her she was ugly, stupid and no one would ever love her.  Fucking heartbreaking!  I let this man into her  life! I want to piss on his grave but, I feel like if I would not have been popping pills I may have seen some shit.

As a parent we are responsible for these little humans and the decisions we make have lasting consequences.  I cry all the time when I think about all those fucked up decisions I have made in my life but, I also made some really good decisions too, I got out!

Advertisements

One thought on “Shame

Add yours

  1. Aww feel yah ❤ We all screw up! I'm still paying for stuff I messed up with my girls but am proud. like you, when they make huge steps forward quicker than I ever did! Me and my mama have had beef our entire lives too and only in the last 5 years have we started resolving any of it. And poor mama, she sits there and cries and says she's sorry and wishes she could've done better … but I get it now lol … None of us gets it right. We do what can with what we know at the time I reckon ❤

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

PTSD Beautiful Trauma

an expulsive cataclysm of your soul

Julie M Palmer

Part blog, part lifestyle site, all relatable.

The Road Less Traumatized

Healing from trauma, one day at a time

Wonder Woman on Wheels

Hopelessly Inappropriate

Naomi Thomas

Journalist

Why I Did Not Tell... PTSD, TBI, Rape, Attempted Murder... Air Force Image...

Men in power, protecting Men in Power.... because of Man made gods...

The Distressed Blue Line

Hope and inspiration for First Responders and Military dealing with addictions

Watercat Inc.

Stories from the Tides!

Road to Recovery

One day at a time

Susan Sleggs

Flash Fiction and personal thoughts

reviving emily

taking back my life

Ask The Council

What will you ask Spirit?

My blended lifestyle

God, family, and love=the perfect blend!

NCaseUDidntKnow

The Backstories Of Celebrity News Past and Present Because Sugar Never Expires

Her Patchwork Heart

A BLOG ABOUT BEING PAINFULLY HUMAN

Life In Detox

Recovery Blogger. Sober AF. Photographer. Storyteller. Writer.

A Creative PTSD Gal

A place where I can be creative and understand me.

Mistakes & Adventures

What I've always wanted

Mental Health @ Home

Building mental wellness on a foundation of strength

UndeniablySara

Learning how to live well with chronic illnesses.

800 Recovery Hub Blog

Written by people in recovery for people in recovery

My Life...in the Moment

Owning my life with mental illness

Destination Humanity

Chasing big dreams one photo at a time

Messy Mapmaker

Searching Through the Pile of To-Do Lists to See What's Coming Next

This Beautiful Life

Find yourself, and be just that

...

love each other like you are the lyric and they are the music

crystaldiamante

Musings of a feminist groupie navigating Chicago's rock scene

Reclaiming Strength;

Mental health warrior;

Healthbeat

From the healthcare experts at Crozer-Keystone Health System

Bentham Open

Opening Access to Science

Gone Crazy, Back Soon

Organization of the chaos in my head

Psych Circus

Enjoy, Learn, and Erase Stigma!

Health as a Human Right

Discussing a Broad Range of Health Topics

AndrewEllisOnlineTherapy

Changing Perspectives on Mental Health

Imperfectly Perfect

Unconditional Love

An anonymous escape from life

They may see, they might know, but they'll never understand

Ophelia's

Speaking Out on the Unspeakable

The Things That Have Brought Me Here

happiness, depression, and a thing or two in-between

can.did.done

A blog to inspire

Gasoline Gypsy

the biker librarian

Jake Steinbrecher's Clonidine Overdose, and Wrongful Death.

Clonidine Overdose, Good Day Pharmacy, Vicki Einhellig, Poudre Valley Hospital, Children's Hospital Colorado, Amy Clevenger, Courtney Lawson, Nicole Peterson

%d bloggers like this: