3 Vasectomies Later

I wonder if my mother has died yet.  How can someone survive so long in hospice?  They say you die how you lived,  well she was a miserable person,  therefore she will die a miserable death.  My only regret, not asking her the truth about who my real father is. Is he the one on my birth certificate (bc),  or is he my uncle.  Sound like a country song? It gets better…

From what I understand, my mother was 15 when she meet my bc father.  My bc father was in the Navy,  came home on leave,  married my mother and then took her back to West Virginia.  He was on a ship at sea for up to 6 months at a time while she lived on base and had one baby after the other.  She had 4 children by the time she was 20 years old.  An uncle, my bc fathers brother,  came out to help my mother take care of the babies after my brother was born and then she became pregnant with me.  When my bc father found out she was pregnant,  he threw his wedding ring over the ship!  I heard this story my whole life. You see my father had a vasectomy after their 3rd child.  The doctors told my parents there was a small percent of vasectomies that failed. Right…

So when my mother was pregnant with me a gypsy lady at the trailer park we lived in told her the baby she was carrying is cursed, and my mother being a superstitious person refused to acknowledge me at birth. All this only added to my suspicion that I am not my bc fathers real daughter.  But it doesn’t stop there, from the time I could remember there was this hatred toward me from my mother. But what seems odd to me,  is my bc father loved me, you would think my bc father would have rejected me if I was not biologically his.

Then there was my uncle, he was a very loud man, an alcoholic and my mother went from having a friendship with him, to hating him to this day.  My sister and I believe my uncle is my father because I have struggled with addiction and none of my siblings or parents did.  Also, I look almost identical to my cousin, we could be twins. My bc father passed away many years ago, my uncle is still alive, loud and most likely drunk.  The odds are, given my mother’s history, my uncle is likely my real father.  I would rather not claim him though!

In addition, my bc father had another vasectomy after me, then one after my sister was born, then another one after my little brother was born.  You see the pattern right!  Come on,  I am my uncle’s daughter! God help me!! LOL…I guess I would rather not know.

I love calling my sister and leaving messages “who is your daddy?” . lol.

In the end, does it really matter who my biological father is?  No.  My bc father failed me, my uncle is a drunk and I would rather be a bastard than have either.

So in the end,  it really doesn’t matter that I did not take advantage of my time with my mother and ask those hard questions, she would have lied anyway.  I feel mean wondering if she is dead because the truth is,   I still have a gaping wound in my chest whenever I think about her.  Why do I love her so much when she has done nothing but abuse me my entire life!  Ok I feel better getting that out of my head…

 

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