Deep thoughts…

No idea if anyone in the universe is reading this blog and to be honest, it really doesn’t matter.  After writing in this forum I release these emotions from my head, and onto to this fucking blog (frozen-holding-place) and I can breathe a little better.

The depression has lifted or so I thought until this very moment as I sit here unkept, unbrushed teeth and have not eaten since yesterday.  Maybe this whole nervous breakdown isn’t really based on a timeline per say,  where there is a beginning and an end.  Just maybe,  its more like a wave in the ocean,  it just keeps going out and coming back in. Ebbs and flows…

When will my life get back to normal is really what I want to know.  The problem is I have no idea what my normal life is supposed to look like anymore.  I am no longer working in a career that stimulated and challenged my intellectual mind.  I was forced to retire due to medical disability over a year ago.  Within the last year there has been so much chaos, turmoil, change and giving to others that I am just now sitting down for the first time. Who the fuck am I… I will have to come back to this.

Right now I need to get out some of my underling grief eating away at my soul.  Around 15 years ago I was put in an anger management group via a therapist due to some grief over my late husband.  At my first group session,  while pounding my fist on the table, I told the group leader I was not angry and did not belong in the group. I still laugh over this!! It was the awakening at this anger management group where I began to see how pissed off at the world I was.  It wasn’t just about my late husband, it was about my childhood, losing my siblings, parents and family.  I never dealt with all this grief and as a result, I was a very angry person.  You would have never known it by being around me,  I was not outwardly angry, my anger turned inside and became this deep chronic depression.

Thus far, I have grieved my family three times.  The first time was when I was 11 years old and put in a children’s home.  I can still vividly remember the first night I slept in that cold hard bed all alone thinking about my little sister and my little brother. I cried myself to sleep every night I bet for over a year and although my home life was horrible, I missed my family so much.  I stopped eating and drinking to the point where I was hospitalized and tube feed because I was so brokenhearted.  I was broken!!  It was as if my whole family died one day and I never seen them again.  How is a child suppose to just get up and move on?  Eventually, I learned to become a robot and just move and ignore the pain inside.

Today I feel the same kind of pain inside when I think about my mother and some of my family.  The pain is nothing compared to when I was that child however, it is a familiar grief.  So I tell myself, you have done this before, you can do it again.

 

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Deep thoughts…

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  1. Breakdown is breakthrough really and its important work, hurts like hell and is so confusing to start with. I relate strongly to anger covering over grief, its an oscillation of these states in healing. You are on the way. Wishing you ongoing growth, the pain when felt and embraced does lead to relief… eventually. x

    Liked by 1 person

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