Deep thoughts…

No idea if anyone in the universe is reading this blog and to be honest, it really doesn’t matter.  After writing in this forum I release these emotions from my head, and onto to this fucking blog (frozen-holding-place) and I can breathe a little better.

The depression has lifted or so I thought until this very moment as I sit here unkept, unbrushed teeth and have not eaten since yesterday.  Maybe this whole nervous breakdown isn’t really based on a timeline per say,  where there is a beginning and an end.  Just maybe,  its more like a wave in the ocean,  it just keeps going out and coming back in. Ebbs and flows…

When will my life get back to normal is really what I want to know.  The problem is I have no idea what my normal life is supposed to look like anymore.  I am no longer working in a career that stimulated and challenged my intellectual mind.  I was forced to retire due to medical disability over a year ago.  Within the last year there has been so much chaos, turmoil, change and giving to others that I am just now sitting down for the first time. Who the fuck am I… I will have to come back to this.

Right now I need to get out some of my underling grief eating away at my soul.  Around 15 years ago I was put in an anger management group via a therapist due to some grief over my late husband.  At my first group session,  while pounding my fist on the table, I told the group leader I was not angry and did not belong in the group. I still laugh over this!! It was the awakening at this anger management group where I began to see how pissed off at the world I was.  It wasn’t just about my late husband, it was about my childhood, losing my siblings, parents and family.  I never dealt with all this grief and as a result, I was a very angry person.  You would have never known it by being around me,  I was not outwardly angry, my anger turned inside and became this deep chronic depression.

Thus far, I have grieved my family three times.  The first time was when I was 11 years old and put in a children’s home.  I can still vividly remember the first night I slept in that cold hard bed all alone thinking about my little sister and my little brother. I cried myself to sleep every night I bet for over a year and although my home life was horrible, I missed my family so much.  I stopped eating and drinking to the point where I was hospitalized and tube feed because I was so brokenhearted.  I was broken!!  It was as if my whole family died one day and I never seen them again.  How is a child suppose to just get up and move on?  Eventually, I learned to become a robot and just move and ignore the pain inside.

Today I feel the same kind of pain inside when I think about my mother and some of my family.  The pain is nothing compared to when I was that child however, it is a familiar grief.  So I tell myself, you have done this before, you can do it again.





8 thoughts on “Deep thoughts…

Add yours

  1. Breakdown is breakthrough really and its important work, hurts like hell and is so confusing to start with. I relate strongly to anger covering over grief, its an oscillation of these states in healing. You are on the way. Wishing you ongoing growth, the pain when felt and embraced does lead to relief… eventually. x

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at

Up ↑

Nervous breakdown

A series of unfortunate events…

PTSD Beautiful Trauma

An expulsive cataclysm of the soul

Julie M Palmer

Part blog, part lifestyle site, all relatable.

The Road Less Traumatized

Healing from trauma, one day at a time

Wonder Woman on Wheels

Hopelessly Inappropriate

Naomi Thomas


Adorable Spite #NotMyPresident #NotMyGods #ImpeachGodTrumpPenceBarrPompeo

Sgt USAF DAV who Said... NO!!! They took it for a yes... Christians taking away women's rights... Dictatorship over Democracy... The Witch Hunt, Silencing Atheist..... Twitter censorship @adorablespite

The Distressed Blue Line

Hope and inspiration for First Responders and Military dealing with addictions

Susan Sleggs

Flash Fiction and personal thoughts

reviving emily

taking back my life

Ask The Council

What will you ask Spirit?

My blended lifestyle

God, family, and love=the perfect blend!


The Backstories Of Celebrity News Past and Present Because Sugar Never Expires

Her Patchwork Heart


Life In Detox

Recovery Blogger. Sober AF. Photographer. Storyteller. Writer.

A Creative PTSD Gal

A place where I can be creative and understand me.

Mistakes & Adventures

What I've always wanted

Mental Health @ Home

Building mental wellness on a foundation of strength


Survive Narcissistic Abuse, fight Chronic Illness, and begin to Heal.

800 Recovery Hub Blog

Written by people in recovery for people in recovery

My the Moment

Owning my life with mental illness

Destination Humanity

Chasing big dreams one photo at a time

This Beautiful Life

Find yourself, and be just that

. . .

love each other like you are the lyric and they are the music


Musings of a feminist groupie navigating Chicago's rock scene

Reclaiming Strength;

Mental health warrior;


From the healthcare experts at Crozer-Keystone Health System

Bentham Open

Opening Access to Science

Gone Crazy, Back Soon

Organization of the chaos in my head

Psych Circus

Enjoy, Learn, and Erase Stigma!

Health as a Human Right

Discussing a Broad Range of Health Topics


Changing Perspectives on Mental Health

Imperfectly Perfect

Unconditional Love

An anonymous escape from life

They may see, they might know, but they'll never understand


Speaking Out on the Unspeakable

The Things That Have Brought Me Here

happiness, depression, and a thing or two in-between


A blog to inspire

Gasoline Gypsy

the biker librarian

Jake Steinbrecher's Clonidine Overdose, and Wrongful Death.

Clonidine Overdose, Good Day Pharmacy, Vicki Einhellig, Poudre Valley Hospital, Children's Hospital Colorado, Amy Clevenger, Courtney Lawson, Nicole Peterson

Fragments of my Psyche

pain, hope, love, lust, anxious rambling and all the things in between, eventually becoming my art

%d bloggers like this: